When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
You Might Also Like
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
#JohnTravolta
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.