People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
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Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?