“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
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[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur