Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now