Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
You Might Also Like
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that