It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
How to find Kentucky on a map
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Print is alive and well!!!
Wait a second…
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay