Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Very problematic
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.