If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
no one likes gloating
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.