friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!