*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Finally! 😈
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids