ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
You Might Also Like
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
When you kidnap a writer.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway