Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*