This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.