It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
You Might Also Like
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Risking my life for fun.