My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
getting old is fun
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.