wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?