mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
this isn’t threatening at all
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.