Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
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[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.