I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
honestly, i need both:
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now