The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?