Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
You Might Also Like
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
fair
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family