Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
🤣🤣🤣
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.