In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired