Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Risking my life for fun.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.