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5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day