My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.