Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”