The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.