*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Whoa… oh I see lol
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”