ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
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*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Cucumbers Anonymous
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.