Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?