My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you