Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Always
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I saw this ending much differently.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
The 6 types of sex
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.