Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit