him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…