I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
forgive me baja for i have blast
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Eat…
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Breaking news:
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it