The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste