I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.