I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Hank is one in a melon.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here