me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
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I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.