I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.