My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
You Might Also Like
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
#parenting
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep