I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”