Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
You Might Also Like
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off