Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
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my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
This is I, Robot all over again
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I thought this was funny lol
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
<- sleeps well with others
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.