[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
You Might Also Like
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
you stereotypes are all alike
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
dads on road-trips be like
Just grow your own
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
#titanic
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.