My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
You Might Also Like
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it