Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
lost dog
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
There’s only one good girl here!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails