No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.