Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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yes yes a thousand times yes!
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”